like holden caulfield

i hated what i've become to escape what i hated being

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Location: Singapore
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Friday, May 23, 2008

enough is enough

sometimes i question myself why do i always do shit for people? it's ok to do shit for people but not when you get fucked and screwed when doing it. so now i'm gonna try my darndest not do shit for people anymore and not to tolerate shit i don't deserved. i'm also not gonna give a fuck about things which does not concern me. enough is enough. to hell with everybody.

Monday, May 5, 2008

the psycho session

okay so today i go to work as usual. and when i was quietly doing my work, all of a sudden, baldie boss asked to see me in his room. so i did. i went to his room expecting it to be about work and stuff.

but then it wasn't. it was another psycho-ing session. he was talking all this crap about a colleague, who i was pretty close to, left and apparently spoke bad things about mr baldie and the company. it seems that mr baldie was determined to make my colleague the villain here.

but that doesn't make mr baldie he victim here. my ex-colleague did talk a lot of crap to me and some of the others before leaving but i realized that some of what he said was true. i may be wrong. i've only been with the company for 3 long years.

mr baldie continues on telling me not to burn bridges like my ex-colleague did and not to believe all that crap. apparently mr baldie doesn't want me to be influenced by other people, who according to mr baldie said, "can't stand alone". well, whatever.

mr baldie also explains about the missing bonus that we didn't get for last year. according to him, a lot of money was spent on development last year, and it's time to reap the rewards this year. that's why there was no bonus for last year. he said, he didn't get it too. i find that hard to believe.

and then he dangled the carrot in front of me. in an attempt to make me comfortable in that company, he offered me a pay increment of $300. long overdue i must say. but i just see it as an attempt to keep me. somehow i think he knows that i'm planning to leave and he doesn't want me to leave just yet. at least not until he found somebody else to replace me. but there are already people there who can easily do my job if not better. the 2 fts. the one who very seldom comes to the office could easily do what i did if only he was given the opportunity like i was.

and now my plan to leave my take another turn. i want to at least enjoy this pay increment.

i just want to state in here. you know i have this spider sense and all. and as i was typing this out, i just got the feeling that come end of this month i'm not gonna be getting the pay increment. i'm not really sure, it's just this feeling that i have. could be a vision of what's going to happen or just a psycho side of me that wants it to happen just so that this psycho side will come out of it's shell. and you know what, if this really happens. no 2 way about it. right there and then if i have my resignation letter, i'll fucking tender. no questions about it.

Friday, April 25, 2008

what the fuck is happening to me?

what the fuck is happening to me?

including today, it's been 2 days that i just decided not to go to work. why? i don't know. i just don't felt like going to work. and the thing is i've been warned before that i should inform the people at the office if i'm not coming to work. and i didn't. i just simply fucked it. but anyone can still get hold of me if they call my mobile, that is if i decide to answer them.

sometimes i really don't know what the fuck am i doing and what the fuck is happening to me. i have no motivation anymore. nothing i do excites me. i tried to do strange new things. you know, the other day, i walked home from the office. that's right i WALKED home. usually by bus it would take me around half an hour to reach home from the office. but when i walked home, it took me about 70 minutes. and i walked non stop for the whole 70 minutes. and if you know me, you'd know i walk fast. that's probably why it only took 70 minutes. and the thing is i didn't feel tired at all. i reckon i could still go on after 70 minutes.

my stamina is improving definitely. that's all because of my jogging regime that i follow strictly now. jog 5 km twice a week, one on weekdays and one on weekends. it may not seem much but the result speaks for it.

i love jogging or running, whatever you call it. sometimes when i'm running, i would imagine that something or someone bad is chasing me and i have to run as fast as i possibly can to get away from it. that's why i love running. cos i can get away from it all.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

work sucks

sometimes i wonder why don't work ever ends? my work especially. but then the answers sometimes scares me. what if y work ends. i've got no more work to do and then my boss decides to get rid of me. well, that would be a bummer wouldn't it. in a way, yes it would. but then again, i can always find work elsewhere.

and then when my work elsewhere doesn't seems to end, i'll be in here again, whining. and it'll be one whole vicious cycle complete. and this cycle would go on and on and on until i decided that enough is enough and i stop whining.

that's it. i whine a lot. and yes, my work do suck. and it doesn't seem to end.

Monday, October 22, 2007

why holden caulfield?

cos i am like holden caulfield, character-wise. nuff said.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

who is holden caulfield?


Holden Caulfield is a fictional character, the protagonist of J.D. Salinger's 1951 novel The Catcher in the Rye.




In J.D. Salinger’s "The Catcher in the Rye", the main character of Holden Caulfield views the world as a place where valuable human qualities such as love and kindness have been overridden by the middle class version of “success”, which is based chiefly on money and power. Holden Caulfield is an idealist clinging desperately to the notion that basic human kindness is far more vital to a happy existence than material wealth. Salinger continuously portrays Holden as a cynical character, particularly in regards to issues surrounding wealth and corruption, as can be seen in the following passage which describes the character’s opinion of lawyers like his father:

“Lawyers are all right, I guess – but it doesn’t appeal to me,’ I said. ‘I mean they’re all right if they go around saving innocent guys’ lives all the time, and like that, but you don’t do that kind of stuff if you’re a lawyer. All you do is make a lot of dough and play golf and play bridge and buy cars and drink Martinis and look like a hot-shot. How would you know you weren’t being a phony? The trouble is, you wouldn’t” (p. 172).

Yet Holden is also in many ways, an optimist in that he believes he will eventually find the meaning in life that he is seeking. Of course, Holden’s idealism causes others to view him as naïve and immature, which is exactly the type of reversal of values that Salinger is trying to depict. At sixteen, Holden’s experiences are limited and so his attitudes are dismissed as the naïve rantings of an innocent youth Holden is alienated due to his inability or unwillingness to conform to the acquisitive attitudes of post-war America. Holden feels like a misfit in a corrupt environment, and he desperately seeks a human connection that will make him feel whole.

Ironically, despite Holden’s convictions about society’s twisted definition of success, he describes himself as a perpetual failure. He has been told endlessly by his parents, teachers and just about everyone he knows that his expulsions and other reckless acts make him a failure, and he has internalized those assumptions to some extent. Early in the novel, Holden says, “As a matter of fact, I’m the only dumb one in the family” (p. 67). Still, he is able to view his alleged failings as almost laughable. Holden takes the news that he has flunked out of yet another school in stride, deciding to go spend a few days in New York to “take it easy” (p. 51). While in New York, a terrible date, a run-in with a pimp named Maurice, and a bizarre encounter with an old teacher all serve to obliterate Holden’s plans for a little “R & R”. At the same time, issues such as inadequacy, alcoholism, and suicide are cluttering his mind and fueling his cynicism. Still he manages to hang onto his ideals. That is, until his sanity comes into question.

Holden is said to suffer from psychological problems because of his self-destructive behavior and his non-conformist attitudes. The “cure”, as implied in the novel, would be for Holden to give up his resistance to material gain and his adoration for non-judgmental, genuine human interaction. Perhaps the lesson to be learned from this classic literary character in regards to wealth, corruption and the American dream, is that no matter how many beautiful, expensive things one is surrounded by, true happiness can only be found from within.

The above character sketch of Holden Caulfield is courtesy of PageWise.